Day One—Your current Relationship. If single, discuss how single life is.
Alright finally getting started on this. I’ve been single for a little less than two years now. I’ve actually liked it much more than being in a relationship. I kind of feel like I rushed into my first/last one, and one of my friends told me to tell the guy that I liked how I felt. I kind of just did it because I wanted to see if I could, not because I actually wanted to be together, in retrospect at least. I know that was a really stupid reason, but I was half expecting it to end there. Anyway, the whole thing was super lukewarm, at least on my end. I was contemplating breaking up with him for about four months of our five month relationship, and it only got worse when we got back to school after summer because everyone was telling us what a cute couple we were and calling me “Will’s girl”, while nobody called him “Pamela’s boy”. I hated that so much. I would have broken up with him sooner, but he told me he loved me about two and a half months in and my mom told me not to. And yes, I know how stupid that sounds to listen to that advice, but at least I know I’ll never make that mistake again. I don’t even understand why she wanted us to stay together. She knew how bored I was and how guilty I felt. I think she said something like if I broke up with him, I wouldn’t have a date to winter ball, but I ended it the day before the football Bruce Mahoney game, which was early November if I remember correctly. I still feel like a huge bitch for dragging it out for so long; he thought it was all his fault, too, and even a year later he apologized for being so busy.
So the moral of the story is, I wasn’t cut out for a relationship then, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be. I’ve had crushes, and I really like someone now, but I really liked Will, too, and that was a complete train wreck. I hated talking on the phone for hours until 4:00 am when I had to wake up at 6:30 the same morning, and I hated how he’d always have his arms around me. I hated doing couple things, and I hated how everyone would point them out. But most of all, I hated how people I didn’t know would come up to me and start talking to me about Will because I hated how jealous and unimportant it made me feel. It’s different than just going around unnoticed. I am aware of how invisible I am to most people, and that suits me just fine, but it felt like I some kind of accessory. I was there but only as his girlfriend, as though I’d lost part of my humanity. I doubt anybody did it consciously, and maybe it was me just being immature and reading too much into things, but I don’t think so. Maybe next time, if there is a next time, it won’t be like that, but I’m not sure it’s worth the risk. I don’t ever want to feel like that ever again.
It wasn’t just that, either. I did like the beginning. The first few weeks were nice, but soon everything about him just started to irritate me. I think if we’d stayed together much longer, I’d have hated him. I know how cold that sounds, but it’s true. That’s how it always is. There’s only so much time I can spend with a person before I start to hate them. It just takes longer with some people. I doubt it’s even possible for me to have a meaningful long term relationship. I doubt I’d even want one. I like my solitude and my privacy. It’s been taken away enough as it is by dorm life; I don’t think I could handle any more being gone.
